hip

An ex once told me that I was a sponge. I initially took offense to it, as I'm prone to do, but later I realized just how right he was. And I also realized that absorbing my environment so quickly and so effortlessly does not need to be viewed as a negative thing. It can be detrimental, but it can also be a great aid to my creative life. It's important for me to remember, however, to not be swept away by the strong emotions that come with each environment. It's also important that I surround myself with people and things that will inspire and uplift. Blah blah blah self-help blah blah blah inspirational blah blah blah goo goo goo.

But really. I need a doctor to prescribe me some fucking dirty granola hippies. I need to be around people who ferment the shit out of tea and visit shamans in South America and roll around in patchouli oil and so on. I need to be around people who make me downward dog when I'm feeling down. I need to be around people who aren't talking about something that happened in daycare when they mention The String Cheese Incident. (There honestly was a string cheese incident in the daycare two days ago. It involved a toddler finding an old stick of cheese behind a dollhouse.)

Where do I start? Do I join some clubs? If I dread my hair, will hippies magically appear? Oh oh oh, but I already know plenty of Deadheads! Okay, maybe not actual Deadheads, but I do know many people who subscribe to the hippie ideals of love, peace, and harmony. It just starts with me stepping outside, literally and figuratively.

I start with this shitty Utah beer purchased impulsively at the grocery store and then I go wherever the muse tells me. In other words, I have no idea and I'm just distracting myself tonight. I'll figure it out in the morning (I say to myself night after night after night).

naked

Topic 1: mean messages Last night -- ON EASTER SUNDAY -- I received two out-of-the-blue, super cruel, and slightly delusional messages from an ex's ex. I sure put me into a momentary funk. I was having kind of a hard day, so her messages were juuuust what I needed to make me totally break down and cry. But then I suddenly stopped crying when I realized, "Hey. What she said has nothing to do with me and everything to do with her. I don't even know her, nor did I do anything to her, so really I just need to shrug it off." And then I did. I tried to pay attention to my emotions instead of getting swept away by them. Poor girl. I genuinely wish her peace. It seems like she has a lot of emotional junk to work through if she feels it's necessary to tear other people down -- ESPECIALLY ON EASTER. Man. Come on! Topic 2: eating disorder Still strugglin'! LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!! ROFL ROFL ROFL!!! LMAO LMAO LMAO!!! No, but seriously, it will probably kill me. But then again, I feel like I am doing a lot better -- at least better than I was a year ago. I was a mess a year ago. Like being-rushed-to-the-ER-for-possible-kidney-failure mess. It was rough. I still overexercise, I still occasionally purge, I still restrict, I still allow ED to make most of decisions and control most of my thoughts, buuuut... At least I'm eating more? And freaking out less about eating more? And I'm gaining weight and not freaking out about it as much as I thought I would. I'm beginning to be interested in food again, to meditate, to eat semi-mindfully. Sorta. Kinda. I don't know. I'm in this limbo phase and I just hope I don't descend again into that dark, dark place. Topic 3: SEX I have no interest in it. I almost want to say I'm asexual, but that's probably not true. Maybe once I am physically and emotionally healthier I will be more amorous. Okay, that's it for tonight. More secrets tomorrow.

here we go

My soul belongs to Her Fog and Pearls, but my secrets belong here. Okay, so not everything on here will be secret secret, just secret from my family. They worry enough about me -- no need to worry them more. But no need to censor myself in the blog world, right? And sure, I just said, "blog world." And sure, I may have been five minutes late to work today because I woke up with what might be the equivalent to morning wood. I had to take care of it, ifyouknowwhatimean. Oh boy! There's my first secret!

I have a feeling this blog won't be the most uplifting. It will be a (safe) place where I can discuss my eating disorder, fucked up shit that has happened in past relationships/encounters with men, my constant struggle with anxiety, mental illness, daily disappointments, and perhaps some sexual frustrations (and hopefully some sexual pleasures as well). And maybe this blog is mostly for me, but if it somehow helps one of you lovely humans out there, I will be quite happy.

PS -- I will give trigger warnings for each post if I feel it is necessary. I only wanna give positive vibes, you know?!

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